Originally posted on Rob Kuntz's now defunct forums. The original post may be found
here.
AFTON BORR KING of the WILD COAST
A friend of mine has a AD&D character named Afton Borr. This is his first ever (A)D&D character made around 1978. He's a thief and his name is taken from the back of module B1 In Search of the Unknown. I am told he had a long career adventuring and retired as the "Thief-King" of The Wild Coast. I don't have much first hand knowledge of his character other than at one point Afton Borr's player and an old DM of mine conspired against a thief I was playing named Gordon Goblinslayer. They set me up and imprisoned my character in a little bottle or gem or something like that. I don't recall much of it other than that and Afton threatened to kill Gorden if he didn't bow to him and lick his boots. Gordon did this, it was shameful, but better to live to fight another day. Well, Gordon ended up getting killed by a vampire. That is the reason to this day I hate vampires with a passion. Here's my take on Afton Borr "King" of the Wild Coast.
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EXTRACT FROM AFTON BORR the (thief) King of the WILD COAST...
SCENE 23
WE FIND AFTON WALKING (and banging coconut halfs together) SOUTH OF THE CITY-STATE OF FAX LOOKING FOR HIS LOST CUFFLINKS.
[clop clop clop]
AFTON BORR: Old woman!
DENNIS: Man!
ARTHUR: Old Man, sorry. I am looking for lost cufflinks? Have you...
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
AFTON BORR: What?
DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
AFTON BORR: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis'.
AFTON BORR: Well, I didn't know you were called `Dennis.'
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
AFTON BORR: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
AFTON BORR: Well, I AM king of The Wild Coast...
DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
AFTON BORR: How do you do, good lady. I am Afton, King of the Wild Coast. Did you happen to find any cufflinks laying around here?
WOMAN: King of the who?
AFTON BORR: King of the Wild Coast.
WOMAN: What is the Wild Coast?
AFTON BORR: Well, this is The Wild Coast and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
AFTON BORR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Have you seen my cufflinks or not?
WOMAN: No. We have found no cufflinks here.
AFTON BORR: Then where is you lost and found?
WOMAN: We don't have a lost and found.
AFTON BORR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
AFTON BORR: Yes.
DENNIS: We haven't voted to form a lost and found. All the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
AFTON BORR: Yes, I see.
DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
AFTON BORR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
AFTON BORR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
AFTON BORR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
AFTON BORR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
AFTON BORR: The Lady of the Nyr Dyv,
[angels sing]
clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Blackrazor from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, AFTON BORR, was to be The King of the Wild Coast
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds pointing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
AFTON BORR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
AFTON BORR: Shut up!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
AFTON BORR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
AFTON BORR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
AFTON BORR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
-FNORD-
